Dear Jake, Chapter 1

(the poem)

Let me dry your eyes dear Jake
you mustn't weep forever
your angel gazes down from heaven afar
carrying your pain she drowns in bitter tears
agony the master binding your hearts presently
laughter becomes a solemn stranger though once a welcome friend

Let me pull you through the sorrow dear Jake
and someday you shall live again
at times I swear you see her smiling at you
your face the perfect picture of joy
then all too suddenly the vision fades
pulling your beloved further away each time
leaving a piercing pain you can never escape

Let me show you how to breathe dear Jake
for now you stop while your heart breaks
you cling to her in desperation fighting to hold on
a dizzying array of bitter sweet moments
 and tender memories surround your grieving mind
with no sense to be made or found
your fragile life hangs in the balance a steady shambles

So let me help you to remember dear Jake
you know she was my friend too


Dear Jake

Chapter One
Life without you

Soft, white flakes fell to the ground. They made for a romantic Valentine's Day, the first of the new millennium, and the first with out Vicky. Jake stared out the window, unable to concentrate.  They had already sent the evening edition to print, but he wanted to finish reading the editorials for the next day. He found himself spending more and more time at work, more time alone. Lucinda was constantly bugging him. Inviting him to pointless functions and boring parties. She insisted that isolation was bad for him. She didn't understand. He just couldn't have fun anymore. Vicky was his humor. Vicky was his fun, Vicky was his everything. Now she was gone and he just wanted to be alone. Alone to think, think about her. Every day he feared that more and more of her was slipping away. Jake was terrified that he might forget. Forget her smile, her eyes, her kisses. If he could just hold on to his memories it might not be so bad. If he forgot it would be like she died all over again, like he had let her down. He had to keep her spirit alive in his mind. He drifted back to the last Valentine's Day. Vicky had just gotten out of the hospital. He fussed incessantly. He could remember curling up in front of the fire, how the embers glowed, the light dancing in her soft blue eyes. Her golden hair brushing the sexy little freckles on her shoulder. God, why did he have to lose her so soon? It hadn't been two years, after everything they had been
through, they finally got it right and it was over in the blink of an eye. Jake was dying inside. He needed a
wife, not memories. He wanted hold Vicky every night, not her picture, not some damn tape. It wasn't
the same, it wasn't fair.

It was coming down hard outside, the roads were a mess once the snow started to stick.   Jake had finally decided to call it a night and head home. He almost dreaded going back to the house. This beautiful home that Vicky had loved so much but never got a chance to live in. Pulling up the drive he thought of the first time he had seen it. It was the previous summer. Vicky had been looking for weeks, unable to find the right one, big enough to fit eight people, but cozy enough to feel like home. One particular afternoon in late August Vicky had come to the office. Jake and Lucinda were in a heated argument, as usual. Her radiant smile shone into the dim room as she walked between the two bickering, laughing in her cute, white sun dress. "Oh, Jake you have to come, it's
the perfect house," she had pleaded. "We have to move fast, another couple has already put an offer down." Lucinda, who had taken a liking to Vicky, as most people did, had agreed and sent them on their way. Vicky was like dizzy school girl, running from room to room, dragging Jake along with her. "See this will be our room, and I think our bed can go over there," pointing to the corner, "Next week we can come back and christen it!" She kissed him passionately. She showed him two smaller adjoining rooms, "They can be the nursery, this one anyway," she told him excitedly, "and then when the twins are older, they'll each have their own room!"
   
Vicky was so happy, Jake couldn't wait to begin their new lives in Oakdale. That was a great day. Probably the last great day of his life. Soon after Donna, Vicky's mother was diagnosed with melanoma and Vicky decided to accompany her to New York for treatment.    He had visited her on the weekends, and enjoyed stolen moments on the telephone, but there were no more great days. And now with out Vicky, Jake couldn't even foresee a good day. Hell, he could barely manage an OK day. All to often there were days he dreaded opening his eyes or
getting out of bed.  Then he would think of Vicky and some how, it was OK, for that brief, intangible moment it was all OK again. He was whole, he had strength. But as all moments inevitably do, it ended. And with the end came the stark realization that it never would be OK, Vicky really was gone, and painful as it may be, he had to live with that horrible truth every minute of every day for the rest of his god awful miserable life. Hell of a way to get out of bed. But, that's the way it had to be.

Alone, totally and completely alone in this house that was meant for his family. One single act had not only killed a person, but destroyed an entire family. She was dead,   along with her unborn children. He was as good as dead and everyone else was drowning in sorrow.   There was Steven, he lost his mother and was now with a father he had never known. Then little Kirkland, barely old enough to grasp the death of his father last spring, now all to familiar with death. She had promised that she would never leave him. A little boy all alone in the world, stripped of love and faith. Her nephew Sean had barely been with his aunt and uncle for three months and yet Vicky's death touched him so profoundly, his agony ran deep with in, opening long held wounds of his beloved mother. He hated a god that could pluck such beautiful souls from those who really and truly needed
them. A brother Nick, whom she had only known in adulthood. He was filled with regrets. Their father's death two years ago had torn a hole in their relationship, though newly mended, he was unsure that she knew of his deep love and compassion for her. Beloved sister Marley, struggling to cope with a new identity now had to deal with the loss of not only her sister, but the loss of herself.  Vicky was her twin, the other half of her heart and soul. They had a bond deeper than words could ever express. A love no person could ever understand or share. With out Vicky, she didn't know how to be Marley. Donna longed for more time. The daughter she was robbed of.  Though they had shared the last fifteen years, it wasn't enough. Donna wasn't prepared to lose her. They had forever, or so it had seemed. There were too many words which needed to be said, thoughts to be shared, fights to be fought. She could only pray that at the end Vicky knew just how
much she really loved and cared for her. Vicky was sorely missed and it showed.

Jake climbed the stairs and headed to bed. He couldn't even bare to sleep in the master bedroom. Instead he slept in what would have been Steven's room, haunted by nights with Vicky he had meant to live in that room. It wasn't even a home, just a sad, empty house. Lying down that night Jake prayed to Vicky to help him get through another day, to help him find the strength to go on with out her. There was a time when he was absolutely positive she was still alive. He was determined to find her. Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed and he was as sure as ever. News Years came and went, his faith was still strong. They had found her wedding ring, but he
never once believed that she wasn't out there, somewhere, waiting for him to come find her.

Then on January twenty-sixth, his world shattered once again. The small light that had sustained him for months on that glimmer of hope was suddenly extinguished.  Cass had come to deliver the news, hoping that it might not be as hard to take from a good friend rather than a cold, impersonal police officer. "I'm sorry Jake," Cass whispered, his voice low, head hung with fingers twisted in knots. Three words, the ugliest words he had ever heard. Jake didn't want to hear anything else, he was too afraid of what horrible thing might follow, but he
couldn't help but listen, for there was still that small, nearly gone spirit deep inside his closed off heart that urged him on, hoping for the greatest miracle that ever was. "I think we've found Vicky," Cass said, so tenderly as if he were afraid the words might tear as they were spoken. He didn't want to finish, he could see that light returning to Jake's eyes. A hope was battling to the surface. Although he always maintained a tough exterior, his deep hazel eyes held a constant window to his battered soul. "She's gone Jake, she's really gone. They found her grave in a small cemetery in Chicago, the corner want's your permission to exhume her body to find a cause of death, and confirm identity."

"Get out of here! Leave, I don't want you here!" Jake screamed. This had to be a lie. Cass, his friend for so many years was lying to him, how could he, what kind of sick cruel joke was this?  He didn't want any part of it. Cass placed a gloved hand on Jake's trembling shoulder. He silently nodded, looking straight into Jake's ravaged face, tears flowing in the worry worn cracks and canyons, much like Cass's own tear stained face. He knew all to well the hell Jake had been living the past three and half months.

When his wife Frankie was murdered three years ago, Cass became a cynical man. Lashing out at the friends who loved him, his saving grace had been in punishing her murder and Charlie. His sweet little girl saved him. Now he had moved on. Cass rebuilt his tattered life, new wife Lila also brought another little girl, Jasmine. Lila, Charlie and Jasmine were his life. Jake, however didn't have that. He was never completely sure Vicky was dead, trying to find her "killer" was nothing but a wild goose chase. Steven and Kirk went off to England with Jamie, and his twins, his beautiful baby girls were gone with Vicky, never given a chance to live. Now he didn't even have
hope. " Oh god Cass, please no, tell me your lying, no it's not right, please, I'm supposed to find Vic. Find her and save her. Please tell me your lying, your mixed up, their making a mistake. God not my Vicky!"

He fell to the ground shaking. This wasn't supposed to happen. Jake and Vicky forever.   Didn't they know what forever meant? You can't break a promise like that. It was carved on that tree, and in his heart. J + V 4->. They don't understand, maybe they don't know. He had to tell them, this was a mistake, he and Vicky were supposed to grow old together, he was going to brush her hair til it turned gray and she was going to help him find his glasses when he couldn't see anymore. They were supposed to spoil their grandchildren, and never give up
riding his old bike into the sunset, even though their kids constantly reminded them of the dangers.  Rebels, together, til the end. This wasn't the end, it couldn't be, could it?

Cass asked him again about an autopsy. "No, don't let them, she's a person damn it! I'm not going to let them dissect her. If she has to die, let her go with some dignity for god sake. Leave my baby alone. Please just leave her alone. Let Vicky and our babies alone."  Cass nodded, then left as silently and grief stricken as he had come. That was it, Jake had to accept it. There was no fantasy to relieve his heavy heart, no sweet talking that could worm around the truth. The horrible truth, Vicky was never coming home. He would never see her blue eyes light up, she would never flip her golden hair out of her face again. Never, sobering, final, the very things Jake had been fighting for months, he now had now choice but to succumb. He was overwhelmed with grief, Vicky was really gone, he couldn't save her, he couldn't do anything. Jake despised feeling helpless, but as long as he
knew there wasn't anything he could do, it wasn't his fault anymore. If only he could believe it.
   
Soulmate
your troubled eyes forever fixed upon me
tremblnig through fear of what will be
a final vision which keeps me always
from peacful slumber both nights and days
my love will hold you near rendering my heart
to you alone, sorrow becomes my art
I try to move on, struggle to summon strength
I despise this tragedy and ponder at length
but now my dear the time's come to let you go
pain so true burns in my soul and yet I know
love's not lost on sweet farewells nor bitter goodbyes
your soul lives on within me though your body dies
I've said my peace and accepted our tragic fate
though your not here now you'll always be my soulmate

Slowly his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Jake stood, silent and still.  This artificial night consumed him, manifesting a long forgotten fear. As his senses calmed he had a brief notion of deja-vu gone instantly , yet comfort lingered in it's absence. Presently his outstretched hands grasped and groped for any possible familiarity. Jake's nimble fingers longed for something to cling to. Any sensation of recognition would do, he simply needed a sign. Suddenly he felt it. The cold, hard, metal sent shivers up his arm to his tenses shoulders. In his fist he knew the circle, the small knob he had turned at least a million times before. Jake quickly pulled open the large wooden door revealing a lifetime of memories. As he carefully walked into the cottage he had once
called home, he felt the tears begin to pour down his face. The feelings he had fought so long to repress released on a torturous rampage.

Just as he sat down, he heard her. A small whimper, barely audible, but forever etched in his sunken heart. "Jake, where are you," she cried, "help me Jake, please help me!" His heart was pounding with the force to burst from his chest. From the corner of his eye, Jake could see a faint glow wafting down the staircase, illuminating the walls. He climbed the stairs, teetering like a small child venturing out on unsure legs for the first time. Again he heard her call to him. Jake took the stairs quicker, faster with each new level, until he was bounding three at a time. His breath was short and ragged upon reaching the top. His eyes followed the light to it's near blinding origin The whitest, purest rays, as if from the distant sun itself, shone from under the last door in the hallway. He had to shield his already sensitive eyes. Jake made his way slowly but surely not realizing until he reached it,which room the light emanated from.

Beyond the pale blue door lie their bed. A simply elegant white wooden headboard, sheets softer than a newborns delicate skin, a flowered quilt so bright and alive you could very nearly smell the sweetness of the spring buds. Though not much more than an organized collection of wood, metal and cloth to the naked eye, it chose to reveal it's true meaning to the heart. That bed, barely worn in, stood as a monument to what once was and could painfully never be again. As Jake bathed in the beautiful light he felt a great sense of belonging. It was as though he'd found something which he'd never begun looking for. His spirits roe as Jake found the courage to open the door he had closed so long ago. His heart was stilled, the very breath of life with in him dissolved at the mere sight of that which was beyond the pale blue door. There she was. Although shadowed in an instant mist of joyous tears, she was more beautiful with each eternal moment. It was a miracle, as if Jake
had turned to the heavens above to gaze and seen the very face of GOD himself. A joy so foreign, yet welcomed none the less, flowed through his veins. He rushed in to touch her, hold her, caress her. Whether she was a dream it mattered not, for if she was he should like never to wake. Jake called to her, but alas, she did not hear. "Vicky, it's me baby," he exclaimed. "Come on gorgeous, say something." Jake stood before her, yet she cold not see him, he reached to touch her, and feel she did not. No she could not feel, for at his touch she vanished.